Oscars: Where The Heck Was Ryan Gosling?

For your viewing pleasure, you can stare longingly at this Ryan Gosling pancake since we seem to have missed him at the Oscars.

Even if he wasn't meant to be there, just wheel him out. Instant hit with the ladies.

image via Yahoo

Oscars: Brad + Angelina + Her Leg

I imagine if you shook Angelina's hand you might wind up with frostbite, such is my concept of her coldness, she's an Ice Queen to the max.

And yet, what is this? Doth she smile widely and so brightly? Has she dislocated her leg to show it off at all possible moments? Does she think she is Jake the Peg?  Inso, Rolf will be so proud.

PS - Would someone mind sponsoring Brad Pitt's hair washing regime? It seems to be left wanting.

Black velvet frock by Atelier Versace.

image via PopSugar

Oscars: Cameron Diaz

See the guy standing behind Cameron - but not looking at Cameron? He's not looking at her, because he didn't realise it was Cameron - after all, she's wearing a dress that covers more than a strip below her derriere.

HALLELULJAH!

It looks like Cameron has moved beyond those tacky belts she wears as skirts. And wearing over $800,000 worth of Tiffany & Co. diamonds, well she looks more like a million bucks.

Oscars: Viola Davis

Do I love this? Do I ever? That green sings to me. It sings big, bold love songs. It's seriously divine - and the frock itself - by Vera Wang no less - amazeballs. I love it. Paired back with the emerald earrings, that simple box clutch and Viola's bright smile. I'll hashtag this look right here: #winner.

Just as an after thought, Matt drew my attention to her breasts. They are a little squished. And that dress does look difficult to walk in. But the colour my friends, the colour had me at hello.

Oscars: Kristen Wiig

Damn girl, she looks beautiful in this J. Mendel frock. Seriously peeps, that colour is sublime, and I love the style. Super pretty - really dig the mash up with the dark mani and jewels by Neil Lane.

She's a funny, funny bird. Have you seen this?

Oscars: George Clooney Etc.

Any well-balanced Oscar round up should include men's style, right?

Well this is not balanced.

All the tuxedoes look pretty well the same to me, it's a bit boring to me, black-white-black-white-blah-blah-blah, so I'm not even going there.

And George Clooney? I never really got that thing. He's not hot to me. But this woman attached via velcro to him? She looks pretty pleased to be seen with him. So that's a good thing.

Oscars: Gwyneth Paltrow + THAT Cape

Gwyneth sporting a bit of Tom Ford here on the...

You know what stands out about this photo? That carpet isn't so much red, as it is burgundy. Or as though someone spilt a barrel of vino across it.

Nevertheless, let's look at Gwynnie.

She looks pretty darn amazing. Love her hair. Love the simplicity of this frock, and the cape? It makes her look like an incredibly glamorous superhero.

Oscars: Sullen Rose Byrne



Anna Wintour called. She wants her wig back.

I used to walk to work behind Rose Byrne. We both caught ferries into Circular Quay, then we walked down to Walsh Bay. Her to Sydney Theatre Company, me to Bangarra Dance Theatre.

Clearly we are kindred spirits, and that gives me the unique position of being able to offer up some advice.

You're totes hot. We get that.

But for goodness sake, crack a smile for once. You're starting to remind me of Kristen Stewart. Crankypants dot com will be dialling you up real soon.

PS - While I do like your dress, it's a little subdued and, well, dare I say it, boring. Dynasty black sequins and Anna Wintour's wig? Yowsers. As your friend, this isn't your best. But yes, yes you are still mega-beautiful.

Oscars Fashion: Jessica Chastain (Who Is That?)

I'll just come right out and say it. Faberge egg.

I have no idea who this bird is, but I really, whole-heartedly, hate that dress. Like with a big sack of horse manure on it. I. Do. Not. Like. It.

Black and gold reminds me of that homebrand brand, and I've never been a fan of those colours together unless of course it's wrapped around a chocolate bar - Chokito for instance.

This on the other hand. Bleurgh.

And what's with the beading around the hippie-astrum area? Me no likey. Looks like she's carrying saddle bags.

Shame on the stylist that did this to her. SHAME ON YOU!

NEXT!

EDIT: I just discovered this frock is Alexander McQueen. I can't believe I said I hated it. But I do hate it. I STILL HATE IT!

Vintage Dior: Natalie Portman

I don't know how I feel about Portman in this vintage Dior polka-dot frock. On one hand, I really want to like it. I love when celebs wear vintage couture on the red carpet. And it's a tricky way to ensure no one else looks quite like you do.

On the flip side, I don't love her hair. It looks like she couldn't be assed. Maybe the baby vommed on her, or she just came from picking up some nappies at the supermarket, but that hair - I just can't deem it red-carpet worthy.

Ok. I've resolved whether I like this.

I know. Phew huh?

Like it really matters what I think of Portman at the Oscars. Well it does folks, because what else am I meant to do? The washing up? GASP!

Frocks it is!

I love it.

I just can't love her hair.

It's understated and glamorous, but with the right do, she would have knocked it right outta the balk park.